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| What am I doing with my life?
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| I had a dream about her... this isn't good. -_-
I need to get out of this town for a couple of days. Bye.
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| It seems like my feelings for her are still growing stronger as the days progress. I guess my heart didn't hear her words that night... -_-
Is this normal or am I sick? I'd still do anything to get her back.
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| I miss talking to her. She always had the most interesting, cutest stories. And I miss hearing her laugh.
I keep having this urge to call her. Is it wrong to do it? I don't expect myself to break down and do something stupid on the phone, but I just want to talk like we did in the old days. I want to ask her how her day is or what her plans are or even the latest news about Gilmore Girls. But the thing is, I don't know if she would really want to or not.
I miss her as a lover, but I miss her even more as a friend. And she was my best friend too.
Last night at the banquet, I felt myself suffocating. I don't think many other people noticed and if asked, I told them I was tired. It was true that I was tired, but it wasn't the whole truth. After seeing half of the slideshow (since there was a wall in the way, I couldn't see everything) and its depressing music, I left immediately. I wasn't very social last night and being there only reminded me of what it was like last year when we were at the banquet together. I tried to be happy... I really did. But my mind kept wandering...
And it was hard to remove my relationship status from facebook. The little heartbreak symbol is too depressing.
My heart still weeps as though it happened minutes ago.
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| I discovered myself, but it was too late. I'm still in pain and shock from her words last night. I really thought and hoped we would be together again. She was the best thing that happened to me... and I just screwed it all up big time. I know she said that no one is to blame for all of this. But somehow, I don't think that's true. I'm definitely more at fault than her. I'm the one who caused the mess in the first place. I'm the one who was too stubborn to work things out earlier. I'm the one who knew what I wanted several weeks ago -- back before she made up her mind -- and didn't get the chance to tell her. That last one stings me hard. We could have tried working this out, but she said that she felt nothing for me anymore. Nothing. Nothing. Those words echo in my mind. I can't believe this is the end. Honestly, I've always felt she was the one for me and together we could overcome anything...
I know she wanted me to be strong and I promised her I would try, but I really don't know if I can do that right now. I'm sorry. Before any relationship talk was spoken last night, I felt certain that we would be together. She looked happy enough, so I didn't think otherwise. I suppose I set myself up there. Then she told me. Her words were a dagger through my heart. I was miserable after hearing her words. But that night I didn't feel so bad after we had talked for a while. It's the morning after that killed me. I wish I didn't have to go to the banquet today. I just want to stay inside, away from anyone else. I feel like a mess... half the man I was just days ago. Her love gave me strength and motivation -- an urge to succeed. Her absence creates a void.
I'm so lost now.
Am I too attached? Maybe. Am I stupid? Yeah, probably. Am I too indecisive? Yes. Go ahead and call me those things. She alone was the greatest thing to happen to me. Yes, it is true that I was mad at her too, but I don't think it mattered much in the end; I felt it was something we could work on together. It is also true that we have been broken up since July 13th. So why am I feeling this way? We left it as it's a break up for now, and we would come back to it in the future. So you might say that I was going to take the easy course -- that I didn't really love her, but was afraid that I couldn't find anything else. Well, you would be wrong. I did love her, but I took those extra weeks to make absolutely sure that she was the one. During every one of those days, my love for her was building, eventually to a level I haven't known before. You can understand, after hearing her words, why I'm such a mess now. We had such a strong love. And I can't believe I let it slip away.
Writing all of this out does help, but I have a long way to go before I can feel truly happy again. I do wish the best of luck to her though. I am not bitter towards her about what happened. I don't blame her for falling out of love with me. If you want me to say anything bad about her, I can't do it. She will always hold a special place in my heart.
So... this is what a real breakup feels like. I can't say I enjoy it that much. But I do feel a little stronger already. Perhaps I can keep her promise after all.
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